There’s a big difference between being client-focused…
And being a doormat.

One of the most common mindset traps I see recruiters fall into is toxic empathy.
That moment where you understand why a client is flakey, disrespectful, or disorganised –
so you let them keep doing it.

They don’t set healthy boundaries with their clients.

You justify the ghosting because “they’re under the pump.”
You tolerate the scope creep because “they’re stressed about headcount.”
You say nothing when the brief changes for the third time because “they’ve had bad luck hiring.”

And without realising it, you train them to see you as someone who can be walked over.

What is toxic empathy in recruitment?

Toxic empathy is when your compassion overrides your boundaries.
You see their pressure. You understand their pain.
So you absorb the cost – in time, energy, or confidence.

But understanding someone’s stress doesn’t mean you have to excuse their behaviour.

And consultants advise.
They set health boundaries. They challenge.
They say what needs to be said – even if it’s uncomfortable.

Why setting healthy boundaries builds better client relationships

The idea that boundaries break relationships is bullsh*t.
Boundaries build respect.

When you truly advise and consult in the process, your clients trust you more, not less.

Here’s what healthy boundaries might sound like in recruitment:

• “To get the best candidate engagement, we need a response time of 48 hours max.”
• “If salary isn’t aligned with market, we’ll struggle to deliver the shortlist you want.”
• “This brief has changed a few times – let’s pause and get real clarity before we go back out again.”
• “You’ve had multiple recruiters work this role with no result. If you want a different outcome, we need to take a different approach – here’s what I recommend.”

This isn’t pushback for the sake of it.
This is what it means to consult.

If you’ve been hired to fill a role, that includes advising them on:

• What will get candidates to say yes
• How their brand and process lands in the market
• What timeline and structure gets results

Because if you’re just nodding and taking orders, you’re not consulting. You’re a human vending machine.

How to Step Up as a True Consultant

Boundaries aren’t just about saying no. They’re about helping your client to understand that you’re there to bring your expertise to the relationship. Your market and candidate knowledge.

Here’s what stepping up as a consultant actually looks like:

1. You educate, not apologise

If the salary’s off-market, say it. Explain your market knowledge.
If the timeline’s too loose, explain the candidate fallout and why longer timelines cause issues.
If there’s potential issues with anything in the brief, outline them & get more clarity.

2. You drive the process

Own the brief.
Set clear expectations.
Tell them what’s going to happen, when, and why.
Clients don’t necessarily want to be in control – they want to trust that you are.

3. You challenge poor thinking

If they say “we want to wait until we have 5 CVs” – ask why & advise why candidates might fall off.
If they say “we don’t need to sell the role” – show them why they do.
Don’t just nod. Push back when it matters.

4. You bring the market to the table

No guessword.
Real candidate feedback. Salary trends. Time-to-fill data.
That’s how you earn influence – by knowing what’s actually happening out there.

5. You value your time (so they will too)

No more last-minute briefings.
No more “just send me anyone” chaos.
When you respect your own process, your clients will too.

Being a consultant isn’t about being aggressive, it’s about being clear and calm.

Boundaries with candidates matter too

It’s not just clients who need boundaries.

That candidate who constantly reschedules not respecting yours or your clients’ time?
The candidate that is just using you to fish for a counter offer from their boss?
The candidate that just ghosts instead of telling you they’ve accepted another offer?

Same principle applies.

You can be human and empathetic and have a line.
You can say:

• “I can’t move forward unless I know you’re committed to the process.”
• “This is a two-way partnership. I’ll keep you in the loop, I expect you to do the same.”
• “If this role isn’t the right fit, that’s okay, be honest with me and we’ll find the right role.”

Respect flows both ways.
And how you show up sets the tone. Are you transactional? Or are you a true consultant?

Final word

Boundaries aren’t barriers. They’re structure.

They make it easier for people to work with you.
They build trust. They clarify expectations. They protect your energy.
And most importantly, they position you as a leader in the process, not just a pair of hands.

So if you’ve been letting things slide to “keep the peace,” ask yourself:

Are you being empathetic?
Or are you betraying your own standards?

The best recruiter-client relationships aren’t based on blind agreement.
They’re built on mutual respect.

Let’s f*cking go.